when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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