Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
