After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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