I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
