I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
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The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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