Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
