i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
