My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
