just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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