you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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