I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
