got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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