i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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