there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
if i died would you start the facebook group?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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