the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
