Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
