I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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