we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?