you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
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When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs