Your mouth is God's brothel.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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