I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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