I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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