By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
