I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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