I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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