you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
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Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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