I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
