I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
