I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
