I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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