New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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