idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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