According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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