Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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