He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
