If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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