I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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