I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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