Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
