cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
