Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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