I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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