I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
