i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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