how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
