Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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