It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
