i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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