Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
