sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
