Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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