Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
