So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
