Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
