i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
