spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
