So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize