Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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